Not Me
by Amatus Vanitas
Summary: "If she'd been with you..." none of this would have happened.  Oneshot, set in KHIII or later - not speculation, though.  Relates to "OHS," prompt 73. RikuShion, RokuShion.


**So, now that OHS is all done, I'm thinking that I built a few plotlines in connected prompts that kind of got left dangling. So, I'm thinking I might go back and write some of the missing back stories. Sound cool to you guys? This would be the first one; it's an expanded version of No. 73, "Positive," but it doesn't go into detail about anything regarding Maleficent. Why? 'Cause I suck at writing battles. :P LOL. Enjoy this anyway, and give me feedback if something isn't working. Have fun!**

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><p>Roxas's knees weaken and almost give way when he sees her; thank the Light he's standing in the doorway to her room.<p>

"She looks _dead_," he mutters. She can't be, he knows that, he was there when she asked for the help of those three good fairies, but it does nothing to comfort him. Behind him, Axel is so close that Roxas can feel his entire body tense, and the hall is quiet enough for Roxas to hear his knuckles crack as he curls his hands into fists.

"I gotta go," Axel growls, taking a step back suddenly and precisely and turning his back on Roxas before the younger can turn around. "Need to go... kill a Heartless, or something."

"You won't have a problem finding them," Roxas murmurs to the ground at his side. A door in Yen Sid's tower slams shut, and he sighs. He won't look up, _can't_ look up, as pale as Xion is in the next room, and he doesn't want to see _him_ there with her, clutching her hand like it's the only thing keeping her from leaving him. It's all his _damn_ fault, so why the hell is he even there?

Because Xion wanted him to be. Roxas has to respect that, but only because he loves her, too.

Steeling himself, Roxas lifts his head, carefully glaring at the patch of wall above her black hair, and crosses the threshold and her dormitory and pulls up the chair in her corner so he can at least sit by her. Unlike _some_ people in this room, he doesn't think it entirely proper to sit on Xion's bed without her being awake. Then again, it's _him_; he's probably already slept beside her—Roxas tries not to think _with her—_a hundred times before, oblivious to the fact that Roxas would do anything to be where he was. Or maybe he was aware—Roxas doesn't know.

"Hello, Roxas," Riku says.

Roxas hates how his voice is steady, though not calm and relaxed. Actually, he sounds tired, sorrowful, and congested, like he's been crying while no one was around to hear. Roxas doesn't deem a response necessary—after all, it _is_ Riku's fault Xion's lying here—and instead chooses to reach for his best friend's other hand and finally analyze the scene.

Xion is deathly cold and pale, but he already knew the latter; her skin is tinged gray, and its translucent quality that looks so beautiful when she's awake does her no favors now. The only part of her that remains its original shade is her hair, fanning around her like a dark halo of sorts, but even that seems limp and lifeless. In fact, the only real sign that she's still with them and not gone for good again is her steady breathing. Riku looks no better, with all the color drained from him, too.

"I see Sora was able to get through to you."

Roxas nods. He still doesn't want to say anything to Riku, but he needs the facts, and Riku isn't very forthcoming with them without some prodding. "There was a fight with Maleficent?"

"Behind the tower. Pretty easy to spot with the scorch marks. She came to—" Riku's voice finally catches, but there's no sick satisfaction for Roxas. "—to fulfill her curse." Riku squeezes the hand he's holding. "That was four hours ago, I think."

"She's been asleep that long?" Bemused, Roxas meets Riku's gaze before he can catch himself. "You two got this all worked out with the fairies—on her sixteenth birthday, whenever that would be, Xion would fall asleep like Aurora, then you'd kiss her, then we'd all go live happily ever after—"

"There's no such thing as 'happily ever after,'" Riku retorts. "Not with Xehanort alive. And you were there. You heard it. 'True love's kiss,' not just me kissing her."

The underlying truth of what Riku's just said hits them both at the same time; Riku gasps silently before his expression falls and looks back to Xion's face while Roxas gapes at him. "What the—"

"Would you believe me if I said I wanted to let her sleep for eight hours solid for once?" Riku mutters, bitter and pleading, which is the single oddest emotion-combination Roxas has ever heard.

"Right now, no."

"If I said she wanted you to be here when she woke up?"

"Neither of you would wait four hours just so I would be here. Riku, are you sure this is going to work?"

Riku flinches at the accusation in Roxas's words. "Yes."

"You're positive that, if you kiss her, she'll wake up?"

Riku hesitates, watches Xion breathe deeply, evenly, before facing Roxas. "I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be that person."

Roxas stops breathing for a few seconds. "Is that—why you wanted me here? In case you're not the one?"

"Yes." Roxas will be the first to admit that he still has trouble identifying a person's emotions based on their facial expressions, but... something in Riku's eyes clearly looks like it's falling to pieces when he admits that. "Roxas, I'd give _anything_ to know that she'll be alright—that she'll wake up from this. Anything... After what's happened, though—" Riku turns away once more, staring at Xion's hand— "I can't be what's good for her. I just can't. If she'd been with you..."

_None of this would have happened. Maleficent doesn't have a grudge against me—she barely knows I exist. _Roxas can't say he hasn't thought that once, is almost ashamed that he had now.

"I'd give her up if I know she'll be safe and happy, but I don't know how I'll—I'm in over my head. That's why I waited so long, Roxas. I don't want to have to think about losing her for too long on my own, and if I saw her awake, even without me—"

"Riku."

"Roxas?"

"…_Shut up_." Riku flinches, but Roxas keeps going, just so he doesn't misunderstand. "She took that shot for you, y'know. Even if she'd known Maleficent was going to curse her for protecting you, she would've done it. She wouldn't do that for someone she didn't love."

"She doesn't—"

"Who was the first person she looked at when the fairies helped her—when they told her what it would take to wake up, Riku? It wasn't me." If Roxas's voice gets louder, he doesn't hear it; if a painful throbbing in his new heart starts and grows, he doesn't notice it. "She fell asleep today believing you'd be the first person she'd see when she woke up. She _believes_ it's you, Riku. You're the one she wants. It's gotta be you. Not me. "

_Not me._ He's going to hurt tonight, but he always knew he would.

Riku is silent, and his countenance takes on a familiar expressionless mask. Roxas is panting, but he's able to meet Riku's eyes.

_Not me._ At least she loves someone who loves her as much or more than she does him.

Somewhere at the bottom of his heart, he thinks he can live with that.

"You think so?" The only part of Riku that moves is his lips—not even an eyebrow twitch, not a muscle relaxing in his face, not a finger brushing back and forth across her skin, nothing.

"I know so." _We know so_.

Riku examines him carefully, but for all the access Roxas has into Riku's eyes—_shudder—_it's like Riku is wearing the blindfold again; Roxas can't tell what he's thinking, what he's feeling. "I guess," he says, breaking the silence, "we've left her waiting long enough then."

"I guess we have." He grits his teeth and glances sidelong at Xion. Somehow, probably knowing even in her dreams that she's not supposed to be asleep, she still has a content face. At least _she_ can enjoy her four-hour nap.

Riku leans forward then, and, knowing what's to come, Roxas can't bear to look her way any longer. The kiss itself is so quiet that he isn't sure if Riku's kissed her or not, staring at the brown stone floor—

—until he hears a tiny, feminine gasp.

"Xion!" He forgets not to even turn their way, which was dumb of him, but too late; he's never seen Xion look so happy and relieved, except for maybe the day they woke up side by side, but he's never seen _that look_ at all from her. He supposes, considering how it's Riku she's opening up to now, that he'll never see it again.

After all the hell they've endured so far, he thinks he can live with that.

"Best way to wake up from a nap," she whispers, her voice hoarse and cracking, "_ever_."

Riku snorts—yeah, the guy just _snorted_. While he was aware of the presence of another male. The guy's in _love_. "Watch it," he murmurs. "We're not alone in here."

"Hm? Roxas!" Xion beams at him through the fringe of Riku's hair. "I told ya I'd be fine!"

"Yeah." His shoulders sag in relief, and he finds himself smiling like a dork. "How'd you sleep?"

"Unbelievably well." Xion's dopey little grin widens. "Dreamed about you three the whole while. Speaking of which, where's Axel?"

"Oh, yeah. He went off... well, I don't know where," he admits, chuckling at Xion's half-hearted glare.

"Make sure he knows that he'll never hear the end this. Not waiting for me to wake up..." She shakes her head, her suddenly vibrant hair slapping her face.

"I'll go get him... leave you two alone..." Xion giggles at him as he raises an eyebrow suggestively, drawing a smile from him as he rises and shuffles away.

"Thanks, Roxas." It isn't Xion speaking.

"Sure thing, Riku," Roxas says nonchalantly, glancing at them while he shuffles away. Xion has _that_ expression again, gazing up at Riku in wonder while he watches Roxas leave. "And by the way..." He pauses at the doorway, hand on the frame and one foot halfway out of the room. "Happy birthday, Xion."

He doesn't wait for her answer. Maybe after today, he won't need to ever again.


End file.
